I used to giggle when I would have to recite the girl scout "motto", I'd roll my eyes....blah blah blah..............I looked up "motto" in Webster's dictionary and this is what it says. 1 : a sentence, phrase, or word inscribed on something as appropriate to or indicative of its character or use 2 : a short expression of a guiding principle. So after much floundering in my life I decided to commit......................this is my inscribed phrase, my motto, how I roll!
"Live with Intention, Create Beauty, Embrace the Positive, Let the Rest Go"
Motto-bound and glancing, back I realize that I have been formulating 'my guiding principles' for a long time. Figuring out how I fit into the picture...........wondering "what picture?" and finding finally... MY PICTURE, my life.......what does that mean to me? The search seems to me to have taken a long time but I see that everything I have done has been 'information gathering' to support this moment of understanding and knowing. All the struggle and the difficulties I had perceived were building blocks for the creation of this "way to be in the world", my way.
I think the perceived "struggles and difficulties" were my way then of trying to do things the "right way", the way I was supposed to do things as a woman, an artist, a partner, and a parent. After all I'd spent a lot of time watching and learning in my family, in school, on the job, and even in play. It was not only hard on me......it was really hard on those who struggled tried to teach me how to be in the world. Challenging as it was, I could not or would not do anything the way I was supposed to! I always wanted to do it MY WAY! Unable to know at that time, what my way was and feeling guilty about that, I began to just do it the way I was told [fake it till you make it, in a sense]......................man is that boring and difficult................in all categories. As I moved through my world in "expected ways" I felt cramped, icky; like a freak! I would see peeks of the real me throughout this evolution and they made me laugh. Little by little I would allow myself more "me" and I became fond of that freedom. It still never just emerged as independence until I flung myself into creating my own kind of art!
When I had that epiphany I quit my job and locked myself in my apartment to create. I didn't even allow myself to view other peoples are, I felt that I had to create my own art my way. I found that the solitude was important and necessary to get into the place of being ok with creating but the total isolation was more about ego. This was the first opportunity for me to define myself as an artist and to find materials that I loved to work with. I was able to achieve some recognition in my medium and it moved me forward in ways I had only dreamed about but had been afraid to act on. I did find that after a period of time, I was not quite ready to be that independent and got a little scared. I wasn't mature or evolved enough to do it 'my way' at that time.
I had always wanted to be "alone" and "allowed" to think. I was rarely alone or allowed to just ponder........that was perceived as being lazy; lazy was bad! I have come to rely on private time, whether it is in the car [man am I smart and creative in my car] or in my home. It is some of the most important time for me.............I understand now that solitude for me is not being anti-social, it is regeneration and a re-charge. I love quiet and I love space; two things that took a while to understand and to acquire.
Do you look back and ponder your evolution? Any comments?
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